I let out a big laugh when a second degree friend (i.e. a friend of a friend) greeted me "Happy New Year!" on Valentines Day. It was one of her preoccupied out-of-herself days when she was blurting out the wrong things at the wrong time. But for a second, I thought that it wasn't a wrong greeting at all, at least not for me. It was indeed the beginning of
my new year.
Diskaril is a word that would describe my previous year. Sometimes, when you're walking through a straight road and are in the midst of a massive road block, or you plain just get tired of walking on that same road that you've been following for the rest of your coming-into-age life, you'd want to wander off to an untrodden area and see what is in there. For a time you forget the damned road block and forget the road altogether.
The dark forested area pulls you in, you see some things that take you by wonder, you tread carefully but you go on. Somehow, the unfamiliar and the unknown beguiles you and becomes irresistable. You feel good and empowered by your taking chances and you go on. You discover that the place that seemed too dark in the beginning did have pockets of light streaming in from the canopy of trees and when you are touched by that light, you bask in it because it is the one thing that gives you strength. You love the warm feeling and you go on. You marvel at your newfound things and marvel at how you marvel at newfound things. You are alive and you go on.
After some time fear grips you and you realize you've gone in too deep. You have created a world for yourself and have begun to care for that world and those who share it with you. You consider living in that sanctuary but, sometimes, you remember the road and how you are supposed to be there. Is the road block gone? Should I have done my damndest to push it out of the way? You will think that the road may have been long but walking it was what you were supposed to do, you will be reminded that it was what you really wanted from the start.
And then you try to find your way back. You get caught up in quicksand, bitten by bugs, threatened by snakes, chased by unnameable beasts, bogged down by thick thick mud. You wonder why you never paid attention to these before. Somehow you knew they were there, but then, it was only those streams of light that mattered.
Although spent, grubby and bruised, it seems that I finally have managed to get myself back on the road.
Last week, I was at my old office for a meeting on a new research project I will be taking on. My previous boss had called me up days before for an offer. I would be part of a team that will evaluate Miseor-funded social housing projects in Metro Manila and the work will definitely fill up most of my year. That day I was supposed to meet the rest of the team in the office to talk about the research design and some administrative matters. I took my usual route to the second floor, made a bee-line to the washroom and entered my favorite cubicle like it was the most natural thing to do. It was as if I never left the place. It was as if the whole year of bumming around never happened. I paused at the realization and didn't know whether I'd feel happy or disturbed about it.
The incident stayed with me for a while and then it hit me: am I back on that road? Am I becoming more of who I am? Is who I am really the me I was before? Or maybe it's just that nothing can ever beat nostalgia. Am I hanging on too much to an old idea that just needed to be let go? Is this just me going back to what is comfortable because I am just too scared or hesitant to realize what I can fully be? But then again, what is wrong with comfort? Is it not an indicator of you being who you really are? Needless to say, it was an overwhelming feeling.
Although not without warning, my closest friends had watched me wander off to that untrodden area. They were there when I came back too shaken up to speak. You know you are at the lowest of the lows when a dear friend who loathes un-cool things, at a random videoke session, sings to you Abba's "Chiquitita" and does not kid. And you feel loved again when people step up and pep talk you up even though they've seen you do things so uncharacteristic of the person they once knew you for. And you feel lucky that a single out-of-the-blue phonecall helped you take down that road block and that little by little you are painstakingly renewing your courage and confidence to work around the road block and keep on walking.
Do I regret that one year in that dark magical place that only I and the forest knew of? No. While I was there, it was something that was all too real to me. Two opposing realities do not cancel each other out. But only one reality can exist at a particular time. And no matter how jarringly sudden, perplexing and excruciating the shift, you just have to learn how to accept this new reality.
That episode is part of who I am and admittedly has given me a new perspective on the road that I am currently walking on. It made me learn more things about myself and how I deal and am supposed to deal with the people most important to me, many of whom I had been taking for granted. It helped me be at peace with who I am. It made me no longer afraid of the person I really want to be.
It is true what they say that sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself again.
