my week in bullets

- 4 days of brain racking (exciting) work writing project proposals in Laguna
- a nice friday evening with a bit of weirdness akin to two peppercorns lost in a in a mug of cold draft beer
- a very pathetic movie among pathetic horror movies. whoever is the cinematographer for the grudge 2 must be shot . wait, make that mauled AND THEN shot. goddemit, you don't include overhead microphones in the freakin' frame!
- setting 'let's get it on' on loop until i dozed off to la-la land
- a slow beatles-ey sunny moring taxi ride
- trip to the dentist and paying much more than i would have had i just looked for one in katipunan
- quiet lunch at bread talk, two hours at national cubao
- date with jack nicholson and snickering the afternoon out; realization that leo di caprio is actually hot in the movie and that i really like an angry man with a swagger.
- jap dinner with my brother kev
- taking home my badly needed new set of (read: 50% off) trainers, watching reruns of sex and the city, snooping around the net, thinking what i should be doing with my life...yet again.
- reminding myself i should be sleeping now because i'd have to get to payatas at 8 am tomorrow. okay, hafta sleep. now. zzz...

layers

layers

warm skin on granite
olive oil on pink, extra virgin.
you on the slopes,
dreams descend
on kitchen tabletops.

am i stalling?

am i stalling?

Went undertime today to attend a forum entitled

Resistance: the struggle for representation. Who portays whom?
with Shahidul Alam, PhD
Scientist, Photographer, Social Activist

The talk mainly focused on how images shape perspectives and opinions of the world we live in. Dr. Alam shared how images are used and sometimes manipulated by the hegemons of society to paint a picture that only serves their particular interests. He showed examples of his work in Bangladesh, where he is based, and other photographers' work around the world and the underlying forces for the publication of these. It got the audience, which composed mostly of photojournalists, students and photography hobbyists to question their approach to viewing, taking and publishing photographs. Who is represented and for what purpose? It was a stimulating discussion and I'm glad I attended it. I want to steepen my learning curve, as you know.

Seeking intellectual stimulation didn't end there for the night. Met with Toni for coffee. Talking to her is such a joy. Although there are differences with the way we think, we understand each other in so many levels it's so comforting.

Although prior to that, the ex, who picked up a book I borowed for him from the rizal lib, was talking about how I should not be climbing too many ladders at the same time and just stick to one, Toni (I love her) said that there is nothing wrong with lateral growth. It is a valid aspiration. I totally agree, at least at this stage. I'm still checking out lots of ladders for me to want to climb. I sometimes fear that I'm being jack of all trades master of none but as I said, I'm not rushing myself. It's all good.

That does not mean I should condone my own stalling. Maybe I should fill out the scholarship form for the konrad adenauer asian center for journalism diploma in photojournalism. It's kinda scary to launch into this. It might seal my life forever into this field. But if I don't do this, I'll stagnate. I'll die (metaphorically). It's like this: my fear of failing paralyzes me from doing something with my life, making me really, without a doubt, mediocre in the process. As toni pointed out, sometimes it's beter to fail than be mediocre because failing would mean having put so much effort into something but the stars or society, or whatever circumstance is just not with you at the moment. The real failure is not doing anything. True failure is being okay to not doing anything. I don't think I want that.

So, while laterally trying to grow, I will try to find my ladder, I guess.

I fold out now a piece of paper I've been keeping in my wallet since graduation. It's a handwritten essay on a notebook page I stole from one of the AtSCA ed files. Someone in the org who graduated four years ahead of me tucked it in one of the files. It reads:

"The great thing about life is that as long as we live, we have the privilege of growing. We can learn new skills, engage in new kinds of work, devote ourselves to new causes, make new friends, if only we will exercise a little initiative and refuse to become fixed, rigid...before our time.

Let us then learn how to accept ourselves--accept the truth taht we are capable in some direction and limited in others, that genius is rare, that mediocrity is the portion of almost all of us, but that all of us can contribute from the storehouse of our skills to the enrichment of our common life...

Let us accept our emotional frailties,knowing that every person has some phobia lurking within his mind and that the normal person is willing to accept life with its limitations and its opportunities joyfully and courageously.

Not only must we accept ourselves but we must aslo change ourselves. Until the day of our death we can change, we can tap hidden resources in our make-up. We can dsiscipline ourselves to turn from morbid circle of useless self-pity or enslavement to childish frustrations and begin to give of our energy to other people, to a cause, a movement, a great social enterprise. In such service we can find freedom from ourselves and liberty from our fears." -- Joshua Liebman

on a mike nichols roll

I can't believe i'm still on my Mike Nichols roll (he did "Heartburn"). Watched another of his movies Saturday night: "Closer" starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen. As usual, the topics are the passions, attractions and deceptions of modern relationships. Although the movie did not show any nudity or any sex scene whatsoever, it was replete with lashing, biting and sometimes funny verbal intercourse. That the dialogues were heavy and the scenes flitted from one time period to another in no chronological order made for a jarring movie that sustained tension in the viewer. No climaxes there. Just prolonged agitation.

There's something about jumpy "catcher in the rye" kind of speech that gets me. I re-read the closer screnplay this morning. This is my favorite argument. There are lots that followed but that part contains too much obscene words for the good of my blog.

Anna's
ANNA: Why are you dressed?
LARRY: Because I think you might be about to leave me, and I didn't want to be wearing a dressing gown.
LARRY: I slept with someone in New York. A whore. I'm sorry.
ANNA: Why did you tell me?
LARRY: I couldn't lie to you.
ANNA: Why not?
LARRY: Because I love you.
ANNA: It's fine.
LARRY: Really? Why?
He's confused.
LARRY: Something's wrong. Tell me.
LARRY: Are you leaving me?
Anna nods.
LARRY: Because of this? Why?
ANNA: Dan.
LARRY: Cupid? He's our joke.
ANNA: I love him.
LARRY: You're seeing him now?
Anna nods.
LARRY: Since when?
ANNA: Since my opening last year.
Covering her mouth...
ANNA: I'm disgusting.
LARRY: You're phenomenal. You're so clever. Why did you marry me?
ANNA: I stopped seeing him. I wanted us to work.
LARRY: Why did you tell me you wanted children?
ANNA: Because I did.
LARRY: And now you want children with him?
ANNA: Yes... I don't know.
LARRY: But... we're happy. Aren't we.
She glares at him.
LARRY: You're going to go and live with him?
ANNA: You stay here if you want.
LARRY: Oh, look. I don't give a fuck about the spoils. You know, you did this to me the day we met. You let me hang myself for your amusement. Why didn't you just tell me the moment I walked through the door?
ANNA: I was scared.
LARRY: You're a coward, you spoiled bitch.
LARRY: Are you dressed 'cause you thought I might hit you?
LARRY: What do you think I am?
ANNA: I've been hit before.
LARRY: Not by me!
LARRY: Is he a good fuck?
ANNA: Don't do this.
LARRY: Just answer the question. Is he good?
ANNA: Yes.
LARRY: Better than me?
ANNA: Different.
LARRY: Better?
ANNA: Gentler.
LARRY: What does that mean?
ANNA: You know what it means.
LARRY: Tell me.
ANNA: No.
LARRY: I treat you like a whore.
ANNA: Sometimes.
LARRY: Why would that be?
ANNA: I'm sorry you're a...
LARRY: Don't say it. Don't you fucking say "You're too good for me." I am, but don't say it. You're making the mistake of your life. You're leaving me because you believe that you don't deserve happiness, but you do, Anna.
LARRY: Did you have a bath because you had sex with him? So you wouldn't smell of him. So you'd feel less guilty?
LARRY: How do you feel?
ANNA: Guilty.
LARRY: Did you ever love me?
ANNA: Yes.
He starts crying. She embraces him.

But this one contains the best one-liner in this movie, i think:

LARRY: You're a woman. She's a girl. She has the moronic beauty of youth, but she's sly.
ANNA: She seems open to me.
LARRY: Yeah, that's how she wants to seem. You forget you're dealing with a clinical observer of the human carnivore. (he's a doctor)
ANNA: Am I now?
LARRY: Oh, yes.
ANNA: Mmm. You seem more like the cat that got the cream. Stop licking yourself.

Next Mike Michols film to watch: Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966), The Graduate (1967), Catch 22 (1970), Carnal Knowledge (1971) and maybe even Angels in America (2003).

four a.m. visitors

four a.m. visitors

I thought that staying home on a Friday night eating shawarma and watching two eighties flicks in a row would be quite relaxing and enjoyable. I was wrong on two accounts. First, although there were a lot of funny and witty lines in Breakfast club, absorbing teenage angst was draining. Second, although I really like Jack Nicholson, watching Heartburn depressed me. It made me think about how polygamous men really are and how I, for one, have come to accept that fact. However, I have not disregarded the fact that a marriage, or an exclusive relationship for that matter, beset by unfaithfulness takes away trust and respect shared by the couple and destroys the relationship. Things never go back to how they were before. I therefore reached a conclusion that someday I'm gonna have a shitty marriage, but what the hell, most people actually do.

My cousin Jenn said earlier this evening, over chocolate marjolaine, strawberry-chocolate mousse and coffee, that she finally has discovered how I grew up to be weird. I was telling her previously about my movie and book selections as a kid. Our house has no MTRCB. I ended up reading about lives of mentally ill people or watching avant-garde art films that scared and fascinated me as a kid. As time wore on I realize I gravitated toward films that depict the quirks of life that are only too real if you begin to observe people carefully. Stories about illicit love affairs and broken marriages, psychological retardation providing the twist, sadism and masochism translated into physical pain, bigotry, homosexuality, ugliness as beauty, provided the themes of the literature I devoured.

And yet, as I told Jenn, I am normal. I'm not weird. I still manage to have a very optimistic view of life. I do admit to these truths. They are written because they exist. In my mind, I am aware of their pervasiveness. I know that I am affected by these conditions, among others. Somehow I know that these paralyze me to some extent. But I live my life as normally as most people (who certainly will go through shitty marriages) do.