of shoes and men (part two)

I raise my hand to salute all the women who can pull off walking in three-inch heels.

This morning I went to Dusit Hotel to attend the Population Congress hosted by UNDP and the Population Comission. It was the first time that I wore my three-inch navy pumps which I bought on sale from Wade last month. I am not too keen on high heels but Lloyd and Vane egged me on to buy 'em. Anyway, at first I was strutting on feeling very confident but I had a sick feeling the confidence won't last long. I was right.

First, I had to walk from my tita's condo to the kanto to ride a jeep. I had to walk about two blocks and it was even raining. Then I had to board a shuttle and because it was 8.30 already, the line and the wait were long. Then I made the stupid mistake of not asking the driver whether or not he'd reach EDSA from Ayala. The shuttle turned left at Mandarin and so I had to walk from there to Dusit. By the start of the Conference I already had blisters and my calves hurt.

The conference wound on and I tried to listen, keeping in mind that I might be able to use something for an article eventually. I finished covering the morning session, had lunch and then decided to head back to the office. As usual, my kakuripotan surpassed the discomfort I was feeling so I took the mrt to cubao then I took a taxi from there to ICSI.

Inside the cab, I got on to thinking, for the second time, that shoes aren't any different from men. Aside from the impossibility of finding the perfect fit (see previous post, just scroll way down), shoes are also like men in that most goodlooking ones don't treat you right. You'd just wanna show them off to emphasize certain assets or to mask particular flaws. But then, when nobody's looking, you kick them off under the table to rest your gnarled feet. And then you go back to pretending you're happy with them. You raise your chin up and try not to look worried or pissed.

The most comfortable ones, those that you choose wearing over and over again are the ordinary looking kind. They've been with you at work, when you go shopping at divi, when you go for out of town trips. They may look grubby and overused but they're very dependable and can be trusted. To you they're very special.

Now there are also attractive shoes that are really comfy. When you chance upon something like these, grab them because you might not find anything like it ever again! Buy them, that is if you have what it takes to afford them. Usually, these kinds are very rare and pricey. Often, you're required to save up and shape up for it. Dapat bagay ka rin para dito.

Hmmm...Funny how I appreciate shoes and like window shopping for them but never really buy them. I know all their kinds and how they are called. I know where the really bad ones are. I know where to get the cheap but comfortable ones. I know which stores are high in style but low in quality. I know where to get shoes with the best quality and the best styles. And yet, and yet I don't really buy them. I just look and scrutinize, not really being able to wear them. Wait...I just had an epiphany (think: ray of light spilling upon my shoulders).

I don't know squat about shoes! I can't categorize some things as this or that without ever wearing them, without experiencing them, can I? Hmmm.. Troubling thought. Especially if shoes were really like men. Come to think about it, I don't know squat about men either. I can't categorize them as this ir that wothout ever being with them, can I?

Maybe it's time to quit this window shopping business and really get into it.

shucks, december na next week

i swear, if i hear bon jovi's "bed of roses" one more time i'm gonna puke. hearing it four times this weekend was enough to make me nauseous. majen and i had a racketeering expedition to maradondon, cavite yesterday and almost all the buses and jeeps and fx we boarded played the song. see, we had to conduct an fgd with the elderly. it' a phase for a study which will aim to propose a non-contributory pension scheme for senior citizens. we have already completed two and we still have to do two more. and then we have to transcribe the tapes and do the reports. melai volunteered to help so i guess this project is gonna progress relatively smoothly.

icsi just had a staff meeting and becasue of the success of chayie's m.o. birthday bash, i've been assigned head organizer for the event! harharhar. i don't mind the extra work as long as everybody will have a jolly good old pee-in-you-pants kind of fun. today, there were five of us wearing pink and so somebody decided that the other pink peeople will comprise the committe. i just hope i won't run out of creative ideas. i'm gonna set a planning meeting on wednesday. i'm actually quite excited. :P hihihi.

my calendar is filling up more than ever. i think i have to slowly let it sink in that things aren't gonna be the same. i should focus now on what i really want to do. there's been so much time wasted dilly-dallying. i realize that once i decide on pursuing my masters this summer, there won't be any turning back. i will be laying the foundations of my chosen career. of course now, i'm learning a lot and i'm being trained but that point onwards will be the official beginning of my self-directing my life. it's quite scary honestly but i have to take life in full stride because if i don't... i don't know... i guess, i just don't want my life to be composed of airy useless pockets of time and loose ends.

toxic

I'm beat. Kakatapos lang ng team-building na inorganize ko for our NFP Payatas team. Hay...kakapagod pero masaya tsaka nakakatuwa kasi at least nabubuo na talaga ang team. Nasa groping to growing stage palang kasi ang programa at madaming hadlang at balakid na kailangan mapagtulung-tulungang buwagin para sa mas mabilis na paglago at paglawak ng nito. Mas madami pa ngayong gagawin pero at least alam namin kung saan nanggagaling ang bawat isa sa grupo at alam na namin kung saan namin gustong pumunta bilang isang grupo. Magkakaroon ng isang malaking tipun-tipon ang lahat ng NFP users sa Payatas sa Disyembre. At ako ang halos gagalaw para dito. Magkakaroon din ng planning seminar sa Enero. At ako uli ang halos gagalaw para dito. Pamatay ang magiging logistics pero oks lang. Excited pa nga ako. Sana lang hindi ako mawindang...

Dumaan ang linggong ito nang napakabilis. Naayos ko na ang monitoring forms, na-update ko na ang database. Natapos na din ang article namin nina Chayie at Fina para sa Intersect. Natapos na din yung Reflection guide namin nina Manay at Balbie. Kung anu-ano pa ang mga ginawa kong logistical at admin work. Super toxic this week pero mas gusto ko ang ganito kasi nararamdaman ko na nababanat ako at tumutubo kahit papaano.

Naramdaman ko nanaman ang presensya ng Diyos sa lahat ng mga ito. Kakaiba kasi para sa akin mas nararamdaman ko Siya kapag madami akong ginagawa kaysa kapag nakatanga lang ako. Matapos ang tahasan at kusang pagwawaksi sa Kanya para makita ko pa ang ibang perspektibo at pananaw, ang pananaw ng may naghihikaos na pananampalataya, (ewan ko, ambisyosa kasi ang writer side ko. gusto ko maranasan ko lahat), nandiyan pa rin Siya. Makulit at ipinapaalam ang presensiya Niya. Hindi ko alam kung tatanggapin ko na. Tingin ko hindi pa ako nababad sa mundo ng may naghihikaos na pananampalataya. Nakapagpaalam na naman ako sa kanya na iiwanan ko muna Siya nang sandali. Eto Siya at nangungulit. Siguro kailangan ko lang aminin na mas ako ako kapag kinikilala ko ang pagprepresensiya Niya.

bokia

I wasn't able to concentrate on Let's Fun last night. The ex texted and ate up most of my listening time. Thank God it was a sober conversation. We talked about work, kjwan, his girlfriend, and how I apparently needed and deserved someone with high IQ because it's very difficult to know what I want and need. That was meant to be a compliment I know beacause a few more compliments came after that within the same message but somehow I felt lonely. Gee thanks but I think I'm cursed, I say.

Connection. That is always the problem. I've been told I'm too serious. Twice. First by the ex and second by the person I least want to be too uptight with. Call it the Jerry Maguire syndrome, the This-is-how-I'm-made bull. Call it the Virgoan trait, the good-at-friendships-bad-at-relationships excuse. I really have difficulty initiating and sustaining connection and that's the cold truth.

I say, the problem with me is that I don't flirt. The ex says I don't have to put up too much effort. Someone will come and fit into my "system" and I into his and when that time comes flirting and putting the best foot forward would only seem superfluous and absurd.

Well that's just it. I've been living with the same belief for years that's why nothing ever happens. The worse part about this is not that I don't have someone. The worse part is that I get into thinking that something must be fundamentally wrong with me.

Dammit, I traded the fun in Let's Fun for all these crap. It's like I pooped at my own party.

bus-lag

My eyes hurt. I just arrived from Aparri this morning after a twelve-hour bus ride and I haven't slept a wink because that damned emc bus I rode had malfunctioning aircon. The shutters were gone, torn down by God knows who. In effect, no one could adjust the thermostat. I had to slip pieces of paper inside the holes and i had to crumple tissue paper and stick them in to block the cold cold draft. The seats were so uncomfortable I was shifting position all the time. Buses to our place usually come with big lazy-boy type chairs. But sometimes when you're irresponsible enough to put off reserving a ticket until the last minute, you get stuck with the old buses with old shocks and you piss yourself off in the process. And now I'm having this horrible headache and all I wanna do is just hit the bed.

But it's wasn't that bad... They aired The Longest Yard and for two hours I actually enjoyed the ride. Hehe. Nothing better than the testosterone-laden, violent, racist, sexist, sarcastic brand of comedy. Too bad I had to stifle my laughs into tiny snickers. I bet everybody was doing the same thing. Oh and they played good music too. A lot of alternative OPM and acoustic pieces.

Spent most of today making phone calls and arranging things for the team-building seminar and the FGD's I'm preparing. Checked up the trainers, met with colleagues for our intersect article (deadline is Friday!!!), checked and answered mail. Et cetera. Oh and there's a new guy from Germany in the office. He'll be here for about a month to do some research on the urban poor for his dimploma course in Germany. He looks really European with the longish brownish blond hair. He is awkwardly tall, way taller than Tanya. Of course we talked to him but he spent most of the day cooped up at Ronna's desk reading. Oh well, he has plenty of time to get used to ICSI kakulitan.

I think I'm gonna change my work schedule again from 8 to 8:30. I graduated first honor this month for tardiness. I was late a whopping 3 hrs. and 59 min! Shyieet! Promise, mababawasan na yon ng todo. Hihi.

***
There's not much to tell about the long vacation. Finally read Murakami's Dance Dance Dance. Spent much of my time in the drugstore and in bed. Surprisingly there were a few of my friends who went home or they were hiding just like me. I wasn't in the mood at all those days. Stayed home and didn't text anyone. Didn't even greet acquaintances when I saw them along the street. Weird feeling. Hope I'll be in a more jolly mood come Christmas break.

Tick tock tick tock says the clock...