Once More, the Minister
Outside, the flies hover lonely in their sleep,
And cogon grass grows and bows, and then grows some more
To bow some more, and the air feels like it’s January
And maybe it is. It has always been this way:
Between the moment heard and the moment recognized as song,
We always have some sad distance to go. It appears then the uncertain,
The fog-thought void always between us and the palpable lush
Should be looked upon as if we had no fear of fault, as if
We had a whole country to pier our regrets,
As if in the constant practice of this gaze,
We lose all expectation for song
- EJ Galang
why o why, tinapay?
accident-prone
some people tend to lose things. i tend to ruin them. in fact, for the longet time, my family nicknamed me the ilocano term for "klutz." i break things, i burn electrical appliances, i put in loads of iodized salt into a large bubbling pot of champorado mistaking it for sugar, i slip onto a very stinky gutter creating scars on my legs, i bump into a parked scooter while playing, toppling it over and smashing the side mirrors in the process (parked! nananahimik ang motor dun for crying out loud). yup, i do those kinds of things all right.
as i was growing up, those incidents became rarer. the nickname was dropped. in a span of a month though, my laptop crashed, my DLSR slipped from my hand onto a cliff and i watched calmly as it rolled five times on a 45-degree hard concrete, plus my phone just went bust. nice. just when i'm still broke.
i realized then that the klutzy side of me never went away. my recent losses had just taken in another form. and now i try to live with the things i have destroyed due, for the most part, to neglect. and it's depressing. i'm tired of living such an improvisational life. i've had it with accepting life as it happens. i say it's time to say no to getting by!
i don't know but something's happening. i think the times call for me to take care--take care of my material possessions, my health, my time, my work, my relationships. just take care. the routine of consciously trying to protect the things that are important to me has befallen me. and i'm glad about it.
somebody's finally growing up.
motherfucking bastards.
i sympathize with the writers who are tasked or simply take it upon themselves to write about the election-related massacre in maguindanao. although i have been shaking with rage since monday, i am at a loss for words. i won't even try to come up with a decent piece about it because one, i am too shocked to be rational, two, my opinion does not really matter much in the larger scheme of things, and three, there's just too much questions left unanswered and i don't know a substantial lot about the situation.
what i know and what i hate the most is this: that whoever is responsible for this fucking carnage has just set the consolidation of this democracy back decades. imagine the work done by hundreds of filipinos just to make things right in this country. every single day they toil and devote themselves as freedom fighters, humanitarians, media personnel, development workers, peace-keepers and then this thing happens. i myself, with my very miniscule contribution to the human enterprise am appalled, disgusted and frustrated. what could those who spent all their entire lives working for this nation be thinking and feeling at this moment? does what we do really matter? does this system really work? is there even a point for fighting for what we believe in--upholding everyone's human dignity in whichever way we can?
the brutality by which the killings had been perpetuated itself does not only place us back to the nazi era of totalitarianism but even negates all human rational thought. all those brainwork and formulation of philosophies by the greats have all gone down the drain. this is not at all human. during sleepless nights when i imagine myself to be in the crime scene, i have this irrepressible urge to vomit. what could have been going on in the minds of the killers? were they even lucid? when they raped the women and mutilated organs, took out eyes and chopped off body parts, did they do these mechanically as if they were zombies or was there hellish fire in their eyes? i can only imagine the deathly silence that could have hovered over all of them--both perpetrators and victims--despite the cries and whimpers and gunshots and hacking sound of blades on bone and flesh. this is evil in the purest form.
and what for? who will gain from all of this? the stupidity of all clues pointing to the ampatuans is too simple to be true. i believe there is a web and network of motives that even extends to national and maybe even international politics. is this just a shock tactic for the current administration to extend power with the ampatuans, the mangdadatus, the whole of maguindanao, the mediamen and hapless civilians as collateral damages? or is this the handiwork of another group altogether that wishes to tip the balance of power to their side by capitalizing on public rage? the brazenness of this bestiality is so enraging especially because it is but a tool for a larger agenda and that they are so sure that they can get away with it. there's just too much lack of information, too many cover-ups. trust this incident to be one of those that will go down into history as one of the the unsolvable political enigmas in the likes of the ninoy assassination. i have a feeling that published images and stories would just gather dust in the collective consciousness of the filipino people for decades to come. i think the masterminds are certain of this. and that's what's so fucked up about it.
tonight while trying to assuage my restlessness, i was talking to a photojournalist friend on ym and we were discussing how someone we know from nujp was following a story in the area and was supposed to be in that ill-fated convoy but due to some fortunate incident had not made it to the party and was spared. but he, who apparently is being hunted by the ampatuans, is now back there heeding the call of his profession. i am gathering stories like these in my head to summon the courage to do the same in mine. and so went our conversation:
me: parang ang helpless lang kasi nating lahat. ano pa bang puwede nating gawin sa ganito?
pj friend: ang tanging puwede lang natin gawin ay huwag tumigil.
me: haaaay...tama ka diyan.
me: padayon.
pj friend: padayon.
may god help us all.
sta. cruz walks and dreamy thoughts
this has got to be my favorite building in old manila. i came across it in july and took this photo. with it's chamfered facade and art deco design, i was smitten immediately. there's something so charming about little corner buildings and tall upright windows, if you ask me. i was quite worried then than it would be torn down like the rest of the pre-war buildings we were surveying for IPC's architectural heritage of manila project. it's just so sad that instead of restoring magnificent works of art, people replace them completely with tasteless boxes of steel and concrete they call condominiums, without so much thought about how these affect the character and general flow of the environment. i was relieved, therefore when a week ago, i passed by the place again to find that the building was being restored.
it was apparent that the owners are trying to maintain the overall appearance of the building. too bad they seem to be changing the look of the shutters. i would have wanted the same pull-in ones as seen in the first photo. these give the building an interesting look when you gaze at it from below. but, i guess you can't have everything. they must be replacing them with weather-resistant ones.
indulging in the impossible, i wondered how it must be like to own that building. being the sole owner of that property would arguably make me the happiest girl in the whole wide world!
if i had heaps of money, i'd turn the first floor into a quaint cafe cum bookstore where anyone can drink good local brews, eat comfort food, bask in the cozy interiors and stay for as long as they want either with a business contact, some friends, a special someone or just with themselves.
the second floor i would turn into a gallery or artspace that exhibits the works of emerging filipino artists. there is a dearth of talent out there that just needs to be represented in order to grow. the galleries in manila are concentrated in yuppie makati and far-away antipolo. why not bring a gallery to a place very accessible to a large population of students whose exposure to art, if at all, is increasingly becoming more and more just internet-based? this will rather make tangible art less snooty and closer to the common juan. and besides, a city can't have enough galleries, i think.
the third floor? well, i would have the whole of it for myself. i can almost see it--my own loft. i already have the exact layout in my head: bed, bath, kitchen, desk where i'd do my freelance research and writing, reading futon, studio for my photographic work--the essentials. how wonderful it would be to wake up each morning with a view of sta. cruz plaza, don't you think? morning coffee at the breakfast table beside the bay window while watching the city wake up would be an instant pick-me-upper. and if i'd be very bored with my own cooking or what's inside the fridge, it'd be quite lovely to just take a walk to nearby ongpin and tomas mapua and pick up some dimsum or freshly baked bread and have chinese tea or sugarcane juice before the staff (two of them) arrives and we open shop. if it's a cold morning, the old ling nam noodle joint is just one more block away.
oh my, the joys of freestyle dreaming.
vitamins ko
okay, i attempted a joke (see previous post) and i just realized it kinda sounded sarcastic and bitter. although in jest, i've been told by many important people in my life to be too serious. i can't help it. i've dark caustic humor, sue me.
in my self-defense, i do appreciate the happy happy joy joy kind of things. although i more likely will frown at it's-so-overly-happy-it-must-be-fake stuff, i do love sincerely sweet things.
so okay, i'm making a resolution to post more happy stuff in this blog than i normally would. because yeah, i find beauty in things all the time, i just don't feel compelled to write about them as much as i do when things bother me. and yes, i know that should change. i really do!!!
so as a start, i'm sharing my daily dose of sunshine. this is what i've been playing lately after i get up in the morning and before i sleep at night. enjoy! :)
the bastardization of academic work
i feel like i'm back in school. im currently working on the initial stages of a fertility study commissioned by the NUS Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy and the Ateneo School of Government and have started to read academic papers again. reviewing literature can be boring for some people but sometimes, when the materials you have are well researched and well written, it becomes a joy. then, to add some diversion to your serious train of thought, you'd be able to pick out phrases which you can interpret any which way you want with no connection to the topic discussed. say for instance these two:
Exhibit A
Sousan Abadian:
The concept of autonomy has its own difficulties. Autonomy (at least, in Western terms) places the spotlight on the individual; her capacity to make her own decisions, to summon resources, and her ability to meet her requirements and of those she chooses (on her own).
In valuing autonomy, then, we must be careful, as Pretchesky and Weiner suggests, not to draw responsibility away from the other relevant actors.Moreover, we must take care not to minimize the importance of cooperative endeavors...as an aid to achieve well-being.
Thus the term "autonomy"--if we think of it primarily in atomistic, individualistic terms as it is popularly conceived--falls short with respect to...capability to achieve well-being.
The challenge to achieving well-being in parts of the West lies perhaps in reconnecting with others in new ways--in confirming our interdependence--and not necessarily in attempts at enhancing autonomy, as is popularly understood.
Thus, greater autonomy (particularly if understood as anti-dependence) is not perhaps what all societies (or subgroups within societies) require in order to enhance their capability to achieve well-being."
Me imbibing Bob Ong:
Hindi porke kaya mo mag-isa, ibig sabihin magaling ka. Hindi porke kaya mo mag-isa, ibig sabihin masaya ka. May responsibilidad ang ibang tao sa lagay ng buhay mo. Tanggapin mo. Hayaan mo ang sarili mong makipag-ugnayan sa iba. Hindi lamang sa kakayanan mong mapag-isa nasusukat ang kaginhawaan mo sa buhay.
(kaboooooooooom! hahaha)
Exhibit B
Sousan Abadian:
"The flip-side of innovation is a perception of loss. Learning new ways involves plowing up the old: it involves, at a minimum, the loss of the known in exchange for the unknown. For many in the society, it involves the loss of a self-serving equilibrium."
Me imbibing Bob Ong:
Sa proseso ng pagtuklas at pag-angkin ng bago--bagay man, ideya o tao-- natural na may papakawalan ka sa luma. Totoong mahirap pakawalan ang nakasanayan na. Ngunit wag kang matakot sa di mo pa kilala. Kung ganyan nang ganyan, siguro hanggang ngayon lahat tayo'y unggoy pa.
(ganown!)
"i sure hope the road don't come to own me" dog food
what do you do when a visiting relative quite pointedly tells you in front of some other relatives that you're "26 and nothing to show for?"
me, i'd drag myself to an obligatory shopping expedition, make some obligatory grunts and monosyllabic responses while letting the comment stew in my head. when i cannot take it any more, i'd make some excuse for not being able to stay for dinner, buy some dumpling mami for takeout on the way home and eat it. then i'd lose some sleep over not verbalizing a solid come-back. so i'd construct a text message telling that relative i resent her opinion while defending my line of work and admonishing her about passing judgment on things she understands little of. just because i'm not in the medical profession like most people in the family or i don't have another usual 9 to 5 job or i don't rake in a lot of money, doesn't mean i'm not doing okay. it's just not my practice to brag about what i do. and what the hell is this thing about cousins younger than me--doing not half as well, mind you-- suddenly fathering children, two in a row, and then everything becomes pink and rosy and good for everybody? it's despicable.
after pouring myself out on a 6-part text message, i'd go into numerous stages of R.E.M. then i'd wake up, remember that by experience, nothing good ever came out of texting angry feelings, decide to scrap the idea altogether and just hum a happy eheads song. and then, i'd do the most adult thing that i could for the moment. i'd make semi-yang chow fried rice enough for everybody in the casa to eat, wash a pile of dishes, clean the kitchen table top, remove cobwebs overhead, sweep, mop the floor, handwash a backpack-full of laundry, bathe and scrub the stinky couches with soap, an overload of zonrox, baking soda and downy and drag them into the sun to dry. then i'd rearrange my old project hard files, fix the dresser and my closet, do some more sweeping, wash the electric fan, scrub mildew off the bathroom walls with good old domex and have a long warm bath.
ahhh...the endorphins you get from dust and grime and sweat and detergent fumes. i really should do this more often.
mahigit dalawang taon na. nasan si jonas???
reposting from BBC world service
i need new shoes. been walking around manila for days on end these past few weeks for a project and my (free) flood-resistant croc impostors are killing my feet. i miss my old ratty sneakers. they were so worn out and comfy i could even sleep in them should i pass out on the couch. problem was that one rainy day, water leaked into the right shoe through a hole beneath the sole which i had previously not known of. after that, i still used my beloved shoes despite the damage. however, because of this country's very unpredictable weather, i ended up walking through trinoma one day loudly squishing yucky water onto shop floors. not good. for posterity's sake, i wanted to keep the pair but decided to give it away after ondoy. i hope somebody finds comfort in it on a sunny day despite that little catch. goodbye comfy sneakers, you served me well. i sure hope i find a good replacement for you one of these days.
Once More the Minister 2
It seems the real triumph of our age has been our ongoing movement
Away from harm – its many sources more than its pain; from dark alleys –
Its stealth more than its assassins; from descent – the anticipation of demise
More than the demise. Nature has been quick to compensate, now
Sends the wind to deliver its judgement. We now die without
Moving from our beds. The only remaining torture: our hearts
And our quiet ways of remembering. These we will always endure.
Notice, in an evening ripened by cold weather, when the clouds
Have moved elsewhere, and the sky, baring all of its ammunition,
Dazzling and infinite, has shot us down with unbearable longing,
Those of us with distance between our many loves
Cannot do anything as delicate as bend.
-E.J. Galang
this is a short photo story i did during the 5th PCP professional photojournalism workshop in august 2009. the posting is way long overdue.
i got word from kanawan that ate nerissa passed away two weeks ago. kuya ed is now left to raise five little children on his own. i'm taking the news very badly because i wonder if publishing this story earlier would have changed some things.
this is a grim reminder not to be self-indulgent as a storyteller. as a witness, i realize i have the moral obligation to tell some stories to as many people possible, the soonest time possible.
